ive always been self concious and my frind told me to post some of one of my stories on here. only my family and my best freind has read them ecause im scared people wont like it…..PLEASE BE HONEST THOUGH!
if you think i need more improvment tell me!
The pilot announced. I was so excited! I had been waiting for this time since birth. I was with my best friend, Sam, and it was the first day of winter break. We came here together for our eighteenth birthday. We were staying at Whiteside Castle, a white fortress with humongous brick walls that stood on top of a large grassy hill. The castle was old and it was being sold, so we were the last people to stay in it. My mom had insisted on me calling when I got to the castle. We started shuffling out as Sam had pulled out his camera and was taking pictures of our surroundings. I could see the castle we were staying in and it was even prettier than I expected. There was green ivy creeping up pillars in the front and the stone was cracked in certain areas that made it look like an artifact from four million years ago. There was a river in the front and a stone bridge. The mountains were covered in snow and the sun glimmered off it in the best way possible.
“I can’t believe we get to stay there, it feels like a dream. A dream that I hope never ends!” Sam said. He had short blond hair. His eyes were light blue with a tint of green. He was wearing black jeans and a black shirt with a small ACDC sign on the front with white wings on the back.
“I know, I can’t wait to get to the castle, did you see the size of that thing. It looks so old.” I replied. We walked into the airport to get our luggage and then looked around for our driver. There was a tall thin man with a sign that said “Abigail Willow.” That was my last name. My full name was Abigail Genevieve Willow.
“Sam over there,” I said gesturing to the man with the sign. Sam smiled in reply and started toward him. I grabbed my luggage and followed.
“You must be Ms. Willow,” the man said with a heavy accent. He wore a black and white suit that looked like it was just bought. A nametag on the pocket of his suit said “Mr. Cumin.”
“Yes sir and you must be Mr. Cumin,” I said shaking hands with the man. His hands were very cold. When they hit mine I felt the need to pull away and make a run for it.
“Yes ma’am, and who might this young man be?” he asked eyeing Sam.
Sam held out a hand replying, “Sam Motony, Abby’s best friend.” Mr. Cumin took Sam’s hand and shook it half heartedly. He turned around and took us down a large hall to the door leading to the parking lot. He had his car parked at the front of the airport. It looked just like a car I saw in those old F.B.I. movies. He took our bags and tossed them in the trunk.
“Go ahead and hop in so we can get on our way,” Mr. Cumin said. Mr. Cumin opened the car door and hurried us inside. Sam sat in the passenger seat as I jumped in back. The seats were made of a fresh leather material and the air smelled of coconut car freshener with an underlying hint of new car smell that made me wonder if the car was new. He turned the keys softly and the engine could barely be heard. We were out of the parking lot and on the highway in no time.
“To the right is a small town where you can buy extra supplies if you need any. The river, as you can see, is straight up ahead and the rest is all forest.” Cumin smiled in appreciation. He turned to smile at us and…
All of a sudden his motor control of the car was lost and we slid off the road and into a huge elm tree that made impact on the passenger side of the car. I heard something ***** and then everything went dark…
Well, here “Sam said. He had short blond hair. His eyes were light blue with a tint of green. He was wearing black jeans and a black shirt with a small ACDC sign on the front with white wings on the back.”
Don’t describe his shirt so much. Instead talk about his personality or something..
I like the cliff-hanger at the end of the excerpt though.
seems like a great story, i think you have a time setting situation about two times in the whole thing.
just minor things like punctuation..
other than that, you’d make a great author..
i would definatley read/buy your book
The important thing is how YOU feel about it. You’ve put some work in this. Was it worth the effort? Do you feel good about it? Did you have fun? Does it make you feel good to write stories like this? Don’t get too caught up in what other people think or your creativity will go into the toilet. Keep writing and perfect your craft.
you definetly have talent form a teenagers point of view…and this is just the beginning if it was a book i can imagine all the things it could have: romance, mystery, humor…its good keep writting =]
ok thats a great story. im one who eather doesnt enjoy a book or cant stop reading it. and i no straight away when i like a book because my mined gets lost in it. i wasnt even up to the second sentence when i felt like i was in the story, next to them in the plain, following them to get there lugage, and getting in the car with them. fantastic, i loved it. yu should finish it with like a survival sceen and find a site where you enter and win!!!!.
you colud be a great auther one day good luck for the future.
ash.
woa woa slow it down a bit, ur cramming a lot into the very very beginning! let us get to know the characters a bit more before going into all the excitment and the plot. and maybe try and make the beginning a bit more attention grabbing but you do have some really good potential, ur style is very unique and really good!
It was good. Some of the decriptive parts are good but dont over do it. i dont really get the castle scene though. if you choose to make the castle scene your opening then the next part should talk about before the accident. you also give too much info in the opening and your readers will get bored. Make your readers more interested by starting at the airport scene and going back in time before the accident. good story though
Great effort Keep going you have some talent there Don’t let any one discourage you. Forget about the spelling and pincushion that can be corrected later I would no go into so much description of things like the Mr Cummin’s clothes. Also drop the word -get -use a more descriptive word . Good luck and keep going
I think the writing could use some work. The simplest way to fix it would be not to use “was” and “were” so much. Try to rework the sentences so you use stronger, more interesting verbs.
Like, instead of saying “There was a tall thin man with a sign that said “Abigail Willow.” That was my last name. My full name was Abigail Genevieve Willow.” You could say: “A tall, thin man waited with a sign that read ‘Abigail Willow’: my name.” You don’t really need to tell us the full name, or you could just do it later. The information seems awkward here.
But yeah, stuff like that, only throughout the whole thing.
I like how you caught us completely by surprise with the crash, but I don’t think you need “All of a sudden.”
Ok, well you defintaly have the promise to be a writer one day. But you need to not be so direct. For exmaple your writing kind of reminds me of this. He walked to the store. He had blond hair. He bought a snack.
The thing is you don’t want to read a novel like that you want to almost believe that you are a part of the novel not a bystander.
“”I can’t believe we get to stay there, it feels like a dream. A dream that I hope never ends!” Sam said. He had short blond hair. His eyes were light blue with a tint of green. He was wearing black jeans and a black shirt with a small ACDC sign on the front with white wings on the back.
A better way to word this paragraph so it had more depth would be.
“I can’t believe we get to stay here.” Sam gasped, his sky blue eyes darting around taking everything in. “Like a dream I never want to end.” Sam said while ruffling about his short blond hair. He had on his usual uniform a pair of black jeans with a band tee; the band for today acdc.
I really hope that helps! The story line seems really good. I just high suggest rewriting some of those paragraphs so that they entice the reader more. Good luck!